It has dawned on me that I may just be the Christian Grey of females. Not in terms of the whips and chains and Red Room of Pain bit, but as far as being emotionally closed off and approximately fifty shades of fucked up....well, yeah that might just be correct. I mean, the girl part of me cannot help but be in love with the idea of love. Cuddling with someone. Cooking for them. You know, domestic lovey dovey shit. BUT, there is that part of me, that large part of me that realizes how emotionally damaged I probably ama nd probably will never claim to be because of all the failures of relationships I have first handedly seen. I see now that my want to be closed off is a habit, if not an addiction upon introduction. I don't want to be obtainable, and I don't want the guy next to me to think i'm as easy to capture as the next flag waving on the top of the castle....but my inner me wants that one person to swoop in and not give a flying F about what my guarded habits are, and what my protocol is. I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want a rugged prince who sees the princess in me, despite the fact that I act like a pessismistic frog when it comes to love possibilities.
I must admit, I find a particular sort of joy, not in difficulty, but in being a tad bit difficult. I find joy in never surrendering, but making him think that there's even a slight chance I could and that I would...for him. But i know I don't intend to. I like holding the cards in my hands, and knowing the hand he has to play with. I like seeing him sweat because it all comes so easy....so very easy; but, for once in his spoon-fed life, courting me will have to equate to some sort of courtship, not just a swing of his thing and all the panties in my dresser drawer start falling into place. I want to make the Christian Grey want me, and I want to be that female Christian Grey that is cool, calculated, and cold to the touch but warmth to something deeper...and he'll keep coming back to see what it is that is so magnetic. There's a lot of pride in being closed off. And pride offers much loneliness. The balance has yet to be discovered.
Truth is....we all want to be what every guy we find attractive is looking for. But that's just not possible. One guy could want me to be clingy and lovey. Another could plead for me to be as detached as possible. IDK. And i don't care to know. I understand that there is someone out there who will accept my boyish mentality, my teenage libido, and my vivid imagination in combination with my need to care for others and my smart mouth. It's not perfection. But it's perfect for someone. The best part: I'm not looking for approval. If I have to die alone being who I am, as aloof and distant and "yeah that's great, fuck me and shut the door when you leave" as I am, then okay. That's more power to me.
I don't think I'm pretending to be anything I'm not. I understand there are girls who will pretend to not give a fuck and plead in their rooms at night, bending before their shrines of dudes, for just a glance. But I really don't give a fuck anymore. I feel as if I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You should come up to me. You should come correct. I am beautiful. I am valuable. And I will rock your world and make you look like the richest man on the face of the planet. That type of collateral don't come free. It takes effort that most dudes aren't willign to give these days. I'm different. I say that because I don't have to say it. It shows for itself. And different means one of a kind. Rarity isn't free, it costs something...something most dudes loins can't actually pay in full.
Do you feel like you need to be told that you're a bad bitch to actually see yourself as a bad bitch? What makes a bad bitch to you? Are you a bad bitch?
These lyrics make me laugh, Fiona Apple's Criminal , because I feel a sense of home in them:
I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And
it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
So do Angel Haze's mix to trust issues:
I need a little time just to breathe, Gotta try to get my life on the right track
I can give you my heart for the night,
but when it's over you gotta give it right back
Ha, hell yea it's like that, sick and tired of falling in the right traps
it's a cold world out here bitch
i'm a keep my heart frozen til the ice cracks
I find solace in getting what I want, when I want it, when it comes to guys. I mean...they do the same. That's just how the world runs sometimes, is it not? I don't figure it as greed...I figure it as fair. The game isn't about fairness. It's about who can see it for what it is and realize that they're going to play it h
I must admit, I find a particular sort of joy, not in difficulty, but in being a tad bit difficult. I find joy in never surrendering, but making him think that there's even a slight chance I could and that I would...for him. But i know I don't intend to. I like holding the cards in my hands, and knowing the hand he has to play with. I like seeing him sweat because it all comes so easy....so very easy; but, for once in his spoon-fed life, courting me will have to equate to some sort of courtship, not just a swing of his thing and all the panties in my dresser drawer start falling into place. I want to make the Christian Grey want me, and I want to be that female Christian Grey that is cool, calculated, and cold to the touch but warmth to something deeper...and he'll keep coming back to see what it is that is so magnetic. There's a lot of pride in being closed off. And pride offers much loneliness. The balance has yet to be discovered.
Truth is....we all want to be what every guy we find attractive is looking for. But that's just not possible. One guy could want me to be clingy and lovey. Another could plead for me to be as detached as possible. IDK. And i don't care to know. I understand that there is someone out there who will accept my boyish mentality, my teenage libido, and my vivid imagination in combination with my need to care for others and my smart mouth. It's not perfection. But it's perfect for someone. The best part: I'm not looking for approval. If I have to die alone being who I am, as aloof and distant and "yeah that's great, fuck me and shut the door when you leave" as I am, then okay. That's more power to me.
I don't think I'm pretending to be anything I'm not. I understand there are girls who will pretend to not give a fuck and plead in their rooms at night, bending before their shrines of dudes, for just a glance. But I really don't give a fuck anymore. I feel as if I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You should come up to me. You should come correct. I am beautiful. I am valuable. And I will rock your world and make you look like the richest man on the face of the planet. That type of collateral don't come free. It takes effort that most dudes aren't willign to give these days. I'm different. I say that because I don't have to say it. It shows for itself. And different means one of a kind. Rarity isn't free, it costs something...something most dudes loins can't actually pay in full.
Do you feel like you need to be told that you're a bad bitch to actually see yourself as a bad bitch? What makes a bad bitch to you? Are you a bad bitch?
These lyrics make me laugh, Fiona Apple's Criminal , because I feel a sense of home in them:
I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And
it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
So do Angel Haze's mix to trust issues:
I need a little time just to breathe, Gotta try to get my life on the right track
I can give you my heart for the night,
but when it's over you gotta give it right back
Ha, hell yea it's like that, sick and tired of falling in the right traps
it's a cold world out here bitch
i'm a keep my heart frozen til the ice cracks
I find solace in getting what I want, when I want it, when it comes to guys. I mean...they do the same. That's just how the world runs sometimes, is it not? I don't figure it as greed...I figure it as fair. The game isn't about fairness. It's about who can see it for what it is and realize that they're going to play it h