I can't really say I was "In love". To be honest, i don't even know what that really means. Do you ever find out? I mean...I thought I did love him...him....but now I'm not so sure I was even capable of feeling those emotions. If i'm being honest, I don't want to admit that I feel foolish at the end of it all. Me, of all people, ME; I fell for the whole girl in love crap that has nothing to do with who I am. And because I stepped so far outside of myself, I don't know who i'm more upset with: him or me. I keep thinking that I should have known better than to open up. But you never kick yourself in the middle of the sentimental bullshit. You never stomp on the breaks in the midst of your swooning to tell yourself that you need to protect your heart or else this dude right here is gonna take and shatter it into a million pieces. And why would you? Why would you say that to yourself? The flirting and falling is so much fun that only a pure pessimist would warn of the dangers before the excitement has even begun...before the end that we never seem to see coming has reared its ugly head.
I can say that I probably am still in "love" with him. I don't want to be, and God knows that the only thing that makes me capable of loving and "love" is the sole fact that I'm a human being. The sole irrefutable fact that I even own a heart is the only reason why I'm capable of hurting. Am I mad that out of all the people in this world, he would be the source of so much anguish? Hell yes. Am I bitter because of the joy he experiences? Yes. But I can't dwell in my feelings. He apologized for treating me like crap; he did. But I truly believe he did so to relieve himself of any guilt that he felt. And once he did that, the heavens opened up for him to talk and laugh with me as if nothing had ever happened. He is just like the guy from Christina Perri's song, Jar of Hearts. I used to wonder who he thought he was, "running around leaving scars/collecting those jar of hearts/tearing love apart". He's just...a boy. And for a boy, that's enough to reap all the fragments of trust and love and friendship that they leave in their wake.
An apology wasn't enough for me though. In fact, with each and every kind word he said, the hate that I had suppressed for him boiled inside of my soul with such an intense heat that when it spewed from my heart I had no power over the manner in which it came across; and i didn't care to attempt to gain control. I was egging myself on, in this outer body experience, chanting and bellowing for 'Lena' to get her feelings across in the best way she needed to. Lord knows when or if he would listen again, so I wanted to say it with such intensity that he couldn't help but hear. I didn't want to scream. I was driven to a point where I was so immersed in pure pissation that I couldn't even yell...so I thought. If I had seen him I probably would have shot bullets out of my eyes just so I could pierce his claim to "innocence" the way he claimed mine. As far as I was concerned, he could take his "apology" and shove it up his ass, take a dingy out to sea, get lost in a typhoon, and get buried 20,000 feet below the earth. That's how little his apology affected me. It was for him to feel better. It wasn't for me to be released of all the baggage I suppressed and eventually became numb to. And what a shallow numbness it was. I hated him. Him. Someone I held so dear. I absolutely hated his existence to the point where I didn't even think about it anymore. I didn't know I would be capable of that. I didn't know he was capable of that. When you operate on a level of no rationale, i guess anyone is really capable of, well, anything. Even evil and hatred.
Love can make you a lot of things. It can make you bitter. It can make you blind. It can build you up so high above reality that your head will spin and your knees will weaken at the contemplation of 'what was worse, the crash or the burn?' And it's crazy, because ask anyone and I haven't even begun to experience love yet; but does that mean that what I feel isn't real pain? Is it possible to feel real hurt, without feeling real love? To be held so high to be dropped so hard? And to think, my indecision was grounds for penalization! Breaking hearts just gets another tit to tat or another whore to score. Congrats. You must be proud of the person your on your way to be. Of the girls you stepped on to get to her. Her. But let me not be a hypocrite. I've always liked the saying, "It doesn't matter who you step on, as long as you're not coming back down". But that's why you should have kept your sorry ass apology, amor. The minute you descended from your perch of pitiful naivety and fake perfection, you lowered your guard and yourself into the lion's den; the pit of your own hell that will burn your ass up and spit you out with no remorse from the broken hearts you left there to rot. You made me one of them. You. Only you know how unforgivable that is...yet you try to act like it's fine because you'll never treat her the same. Save the sappy life lesson for when you do it to the wrong one, because I will never understand how you can properly love another, when you failed at loving the first the right way; the way you swore you loved no other and never could. Apparently your "first love" has taught you nothing about loving at all.
The truth? I think it hurts so much because I still love you. Not deep down. On the surface still. And I don't want to love you because it's insane to love someone that can easily and repeatedlyy hurt you, and then smile about it. But I do. And I don't want to be because I'm not strong enough to never "fall back in your arms" again. After all, that's where my comfort last found a home. But, unfortunately, I do. And that love has settled upon the scars that cut so deep into the rusted faith I had in you and us. Now all that festers are the weeds of remorse and despair and regret. But I refuse to let a moment of love and loss pin me down from ever loving (or maybe really beginning to love) again. I'm young. Youth renews all. My heart has been "shattered" and "broken" by failed father figures and misled mentors. Yet, I'm here. I'm standing. Still strong, only stronger than when we began. I thank you for the hurt. Not because it has born a life lesson, but because I now know who you are and what you can become. If I have learned anything at all, it is not to regret love or any idea that you have had of it. Lust can lead to shame and other incurable things, but love? even in its most innocent form and misinterpretation can give birth to some of the most beautiful possibilities and interactions, no matter what the probability of them all turning to dust in our grasp. I'd never trade even a glimpse at love, because while I'm flying through the air on my emotional high, feeling like such a girl for crushing so much and being so vulnerable, It's enough...your enough...and the one after you and after him and after him....will be enough for me to erase the bruises and scars of the drop that may await. But there will always be a time for lust and passion, love and friendship, loss and mourning...and then renewel and recovery; before we do it all over again; until someone comes along and forces us not to. And it's because of people like him and the perpetual cycle that we learn to appreciate those people and learn what love is, and to never let them, or it, go. If I must hurt to love for real at least once in my life, then so be it.
"To me, the greatest thing in the world is to love, and
to be in love; But, it's also the most heart-wrenching pain you can ever feel,
because when you love & lose, you feel as if you've lost your ability to
ever love again." -lena N. 5/31/2012 @ someone inane hour in the middle of the night
I can say that I probably am still in "love" with him. I don't want to be, and God knows that the only thing that makes me capable of loving and "love" is the sole fact that I'm a human being. The sole irrefutable fact that I even own a heart is the only reason why I'm capable of hurting. Am I mad that out of all the people in this world, he would be the source of so much anguish? Hell yes. Am I bitter because of the joy he experiences? Yes. But I can't dwell in my feelings. He apologized for treating me like crap; he did. But I truly believe he did so to relieve himself of any guilt that he felt. And once he did that, the heavens opened up for him to talk and laugh with me as if nothing had ever happened. He is just like the guy from Christina Perri's song, Jar of Hearts. I used to wonder who he thought he was, "running around leaving scars/collecting those jar of hearts/tearing love apart". He's just...a boy. And for a boy, that's enough to reap all the fragments of trust and love and friendship that they leave in their wake.
An apology wasn't enough for me though. In fact, with each and every kind word he said, the hate that I had suppressed for him boiled inside of my soul with such an intense heat that when it spewed from my heart I had no power over the manner in which it came across; and i didn't care to attempt to gain control. I was egging myself on, in this outer body experience, chanting and bellowing for 'Lena' to get her feelings across in the best way she needed to. Lord knows when or if he would listen again, so I wanted to say it with such intensity that he couldn't help but hear. I didn't want to scream. I was driven to a point where I was so immersed in pure pissation that I couldn't even yell...so I thought. If I had seen him I probably would have shot bullets out of my eyes just so I could pierce his claim to "innocence" the way he claimed mine. As far as I was concerned, he could take his "apology" and shove it up his ass, take a dingy out to sea, get lost in a typhoon, and get buried 20,000 feet below the earth. That's how little his apology affected me. It was for him to feel better. It wasn't for me to be released of all the baggage I suppressed and eventually became numb to. And what a shallow numbness it was. I hated him. Him. Someone I held so dear. I absolutely hated his existence to the point where I didn't even think about it anymore. I didn't know I would be capable of that. I didn't know he was capable of that. When you operate on a level of no rationale, i guess anyone is really capable of, well, anything. Even evil and hatred.
Love can make you a lot of things. It can make you bitter. It can make you blind. It can build you up so high above reality that your head will spin and your knees will weaken at the contemplation of 'what was worse, the crash or the burn?' And it's crazy, because ask anyone and I haven't even begun to experience love yet; but does that mean that what I feel isn't real pain? Is it possible to feel real hurt, without feeling real love? To be held so high to be dropped so hard? And to think, my indecision was grounds for penalization! Breaking hearts just gets another tit to tat or another whore to score. Congrats. You must be proud of the person your on your way to be. Of the girls you stepped on to get to her. Her. But let me not be a hypocrite. I've always liked the saying, "It doesn't matter who you step on, as long as you're not coming back down". But that's why you should have kept your sorry ass apology, amor. The minute you descended from your perch of pitiful naivety and fake perfection, you lowered your guard and yourself into the lion's den; the pit of your own hell that will burn your ass up and spit you out with no remorse from the broken hearts you left there to rot. You made me one of them. You. Only you know how unforgivable that is...yet you try to act like it's fine because you'll never treat her the same. Save the sappy life lesson for when you do it to the wrong one, because I will never understand how you can properly love another, when you failed at loving the first the right way; the way you swore you loved no other and never could. Apparently your "first love" has taught you nothing about loving at all.
The truth? I think it hurts so much because I still love you. Not deep down. On the surface still. And I don't want to love you because it's insane to love someone that can easily and repeatedlyy hurt you, and then smile about it. But I do. And I don't want to be because I'm not strong enough to never "fall back in your arms" again. After all, that's where my comfort last found a home. But, unfortunately, I do. And that love has settled upon the scars that cut so deep into the rusted faith I had in you and us. Now all that festers are the weeds of remorse and despair and regret. But I refuse to let a moment of love and loss pin me down from ever loving (or maybe really beginning to love) again. I'm young. Youth renews all. My heart has been "shattered" and "broken" by failed father figures and misled mentors. Yet, I'm here. I'm standing. Still strong, only stronger than when we began. I thank you for the hurt. Not because it has born a life lesson, but because I now know who you are and what you can become. If I have learned anything at all, it is not to regret love or any idea that you have had of it. Lust can lead to shame and other incurable things, but love? even in its most innocent form and misinterpretation can give birth to some of the most beautiful possibilities and interactions, no matter what the probability of them all turning to dust in our grasp. I'd never trade even a glimpse at love, because while I'm flying through the air on my emotional high, feeling like such a girl for crushing so much and being so vulnerable, It's enough...your enough...and the one after you and after him and after him....will be enough for me to erase the bruises and scars of the drop that may await. But there will always be a time for lust and passion, love and friendship, loss and mourning...and then renewel and recovery; before we do it all over again; until someone comes along and forces us not to. And it's because of people like him and the perpetual cycle that we learn to appreciate those people and learn what love is, and to never let them, or it, go. If I must hurt to love for real at least once in my life, then so be it.
"To me, the greatest thing in the world is to love, and
to be in love; But, it's also the most heart-wrenching pain you can ever feel,
because when you love & lose, you feel as if you've lost your ability to
ever love again." -lena N. 5/31/2012 @ someone inane hour in the middle of the night