Random vent session: Why is there always that one mofo that feels they need to tell you all the things you do wrong!? Like, every move you make, every breath you take, if it's an inch out of place, there they are to tell you that "hey, guess what? You effed up!" Like, thanks bitch! What would I do without you!? Oh yeah, that's right: mind my own damn business; which is exactly what you should be doing. The worst types of ball busters, in my opinion, are the ones that correct you all the time and that always put you down (and the boy-crazed ones, but thats another story for another time). Like...bitch! why bitch!? bitch why?! *luan legacy voice* Why do you think that someone appointed you queen corrector and now it's your job to fix my minor (and i do mean minor) infractions? You know why? Cuz these people do it for one reason: they love being right about everything. They would rather debate in a pointless argument than actually discuss something halfway meaningful and be told their wrong. The sad thing is, they are not even afraid to embarrass you or call you out. You think they'd be calling you out for murder, or lying to your momma or something! No. It''s over stupid shit. So now you're peeved because they refuse to quit riding on your nerve about something so irrelevant and caused it to escalate to a powder keg situation, where the next word they utter may cause you to blow their ass to high noon in China. They gain satisfaction, and you can't help but wonder why they're so bent on being a pain in the deepest part of your ass cheek. And if that wasn't bad enough, the mofo wants to constantly belittle you and bust your chops. They're always taking every opportuity to call you a name or point out how you do something makes you stupid. It would be somewhat expected from a 9 year old. Not when you're supposed to be grown. I'm by no means, by NO MEANS, perfect, but damn. If you have a serious issue with busting peoples chops, then go the F home and sit it down for the sake of your face and dental plan. Please. We know your life sucks in comparison to those you pick on. Welcome to the real world, where no one gives a crap and people dont hesitate to come correct when necessary. If you don't learn the ways of the world soon, someone you try to bust will end up busting you; and what a tragedy that'll be for your
This is the first half (yes, the first half) of Friendship FAILS that i decided to write about. The ones i'm sharing today are ones I've recently experienced within the past month or so. I can only speak on these types of friends because I've either encountered some on my own, or have been witness to these types of friendships. The solution i'm giving you? DUMP THEM AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK. But hey, that's just me. If a certain person pops up in your head when you read these descriptions, question is: why are you still friends with them? Is it really worth all of that effort and extra therapy you're going to need? Yeah, didn't think so. And if you're one of these friends, i suggest you come correct before you're left on the curb with a box full of memories and a boot to your behind... #1 - The COMPETITOR friend (a.k.a.- the frenemy) This "friend" could probably do amazing things with their life...if they weren't so obsessed with trying to one-up you on yours. They turn any act of living or hanging out into a competition that they're the only ones competing in. They see what you have or what you get and the switch goes of in their head to be a complete nutcase and try to ram it down your throat that they are capable of getting or being the same thing the same way. In fact, they like to befriend those who they think offer less than they do to the table so the feeling of superiority triumphs everytimes. When it doesn't? You're the target of insubordination. They will belittle you or attempt to make you out to be less than you are all because your act of stuntin' urks the crap out of them for doing it better. Be warned: these are the sabatogers. When you need a pick me up or a confidence boost, maybe an act of reassurance, they won't bite the line to save your ass from deep waters. Your failure is their success if they see you as enough of a threat. #2 - The SUPERFICIAL/SELF-ABSORBED/NEVER THERE friend Now THIS is a deadly combination. Like...just terrible. But I have someone like this in my life, unfortunately. When someone feels themself just a little past TOO MUCH, to the point where if you tell them they're superficial and just don't care and ask them to give a crap about someone else for two seconds and they fail at even attempting, then something is wrong and they officially need counseling. This one is practically a no-brainer. Some friends just think of themselves before any other human specimen. If you’re tired of a friend is so selfish that it drives you nuts, haul out the boot. It's not that they won't give a damn about you from time to time, but chances are...they truly can't, because they're so preocuppied with dedicating all the damns in the world to them and materialistic things. This person is more likely to drain every bit of patience from you. They don't take the time to listen or concern themselves with your needs when you really need them to, and are just a nicer version of the competitor. The only difference is that they're in constant competition with themself and can't even pay attention to anyone they've sidelined. Unfortunately, with these shallow barbie dolls, what you see is what you get because, YES, they're that DENSE and see through. They're lives revolve around appearance and what others perceive more so than that of a 13 year old girl. They lack any substance (other than their concealer) and truth is, can't really add much value; if anything, taking away value is what they specialize in. Anyone who is too busy being in love with themselves will never have time to love anyone else. Proven fact. Another thing to remember, these superficial friends are not ride or die. When things aren't about them looking good or keeping up appearences, they're up and out. That's why the self-absorbed "friend" can easily become the "Never There". My self-absorbed "friend" used to just be all about her and her clothes and her hair and being a priss. Until she became a priss that was never available. She can easily post photos about her outfits and finger nails and head bands and crap that is just so irrelevant to life; she can tweet to her following (all of 12 people) her witty words that she thinks makes her sound cute and clever; she can keep up phony perception by calling those who support her materialistic and fake ways; but, she can never be reached in time of crisis. UNLESS, she wants to hear your weekly wrap ups....so she can finally tell you hers without looking suspect. But you do superficial chick, you do. #3 - The FLAKY friend This person. *sigh*. This person is absolutely one of the worst to deal with. They start off okay, but they slowly but surely begin to annoy you to death and become downright undependable. This friend can range from making plans and constantly bailing out, or just being there sometimes but not when needed. This friend will stalk your life with text messages, emails, calls, etc., claiming how much you guys should hang and how much they love you. She plans these elaborately annoying get togethers and yet at the last minute, BAILS on you, after you've moved nearly earth, pluto and mars trying to accomodate her desperation to see you. If you had a d*** they would probably hop on it; that's how much they cry "besties!" yet never deliver on the words they sell. I've encountered this friend a few times, but fail to remember who these people were because I'm obviously not with them anymore. While they're out making plans and crying BFF to everyone they meet, i'm out living through the plans i've made with people i actually give a flying F about. But the other type of FLAKE is the worst kind of flake there is. They're not as absent as the "never there" friend, but in my opinion i'd rather have someone I know just won't be there for me, than someone I expect to be there or think may/may not be there, and isn't. Now don't confuse this with the "fairweather" friend, the friend who is there when all goes well, but when things go bad they're nowhere to be found. This flaky friend is someone who could be a noble friend (so you thought) and is usually there. Could even have made it to temporary ride-or-die. But you realize when you need them most, or when you put out the most care for them, they're somebody completely different. They pull a "Somebody that i used to know" on your ass and transform into someone you can't depend on; which you won't know whether to find funny or sad because 3 hours prior they were the PB to your J. HMMM. That's sketch. We don't do sketch, shiesty, shady, or suspect, because if we do, chances are, we're not friends. A friend should be there right beside you when you're happy, sad, tore up, fucked up, or dolled up. When you flake out on someone, you're not their friend and are well on your way to being a fairweather friend, or known as the one with empty promises. Don't be THAT girl. If you claim you're ride or die for someone, then be rie or die whenever. If you claim you want to hang on to your friendship with someone, take the necessary steps. Don't be the girl who talks about it but isn't about it. Because when you flake, those who don't give a damn sure won't be welcoming your sometimes-ish ass back with open arms. #4 - The DARK CLOUD friend That b**** is depressing AF. If someone just popped into your head, congrats! you have a dark clouded depression filled person that you call friend. To them, they can't catch a break. To them, their friends hate them. Their parents hate them. Their dog hates them. You hate them. Boys hate them. Nature hates them. Life just...hates them. If you feel like you have to mentally prepare yourself to be around this person for the day, then guess what? Chances are, you should've stopped being friends with them the minute the meer mention of their name caused you to frown and think of starving kids in Cambodia. It's your job as a friend to build them up from time to time. It is NOT, however,your job to prop them up and walk and talk and poop out rainbows for them to get through one day without crying or feeling alone or dank and depressed. No. It's not okay. Every time you rebuttle with something positive, they refute it with another negative statement. Truth is, if it's a 24/7 job to cheer them up, if you expect them to be insta-depressed from something so minor, if you have to bring a tub of ice cream tot heir constant pity-party, they like dwelling in the misery they create. All the breaths and words you spent on them are forever in wasteland. They don't want your help, they want your pity. They've convinced themselves they just want an understanding friend; but, if they're too enveloped in unneccessary sadness to take the time to live life focusing on the things and people that matter, they don't want to focus on those things at all; they're not even trying. They get a sort of sick, twisted sense of affirmation and significance when someone is there to constantly tend to their every insecurity and doubt. They cant convince themselves that their world isn't horrific, so they need someone else to reassure them. Again. And again. And again. If they need that much damn reassurance, it's a mental instability and their perception needs to change on their life's outlook. You, my friend, are not certified to do that. Soooo suggest a therapist or start charging $250 an hour to tolerate the complaints. These songs have been around for quite some time, but they'e definitely been on my mind all week long. It's been a portuguese week i guess. The best kind of music is the type that never gets old :) #Random: Thanks to Shakira, i definitely have to make a "Sexiest videos" post because I just love all of her videos and dances
MY 99JAMZ SPOTLIGHT for this week: my fave songs that are most likely to be played on 99 Jamz at least 20,000,000 times. And then 100 times more... If there is one thing that I have learned over the course of June, it is that youth brings about so many life lessons and experiences each and every day that you choose to live fully. Most importantly, without the sugar coating, I've learned that flirting is fun...and that when you're a natural at it, you tend to uncover the truth about how ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED guys are with sex! Now I know, I know, this should not be a surprise. But, jeez. I guess I was sort of giving them the benefit of the doubt. Little did I know, guys will do to the ends of the earth for some Vajayjay. Like...they'd do anything. Or pretty much close to almost anything. We know they'll lie for it, pay for it, fake feelings for it, and even be blatantly forward for it. No shame for a bit of game. And don't get me wrong; I know not all guys are willing to sell their grandma for some action (or the prospect of act); some don't even think that females and their "treasures" are worth digging that deep for. But I can only speak from experience. And from what I've experienced in these past few weeks...i can honestly report that guys are funny when they're desperate for things they have no chance in HELL of getting! hahaha.
The WHAT-IF?? The fact that there is living, breathing, walking (they don't care too much for the talking), vag out there means that there is a reason to roll up out of bed and take a shower everyday. That is motivation enough, and apparently the lonely kittens need persistant dogs to chase them. Guys seems to be intrigued by the "what if" aspect of chasing kitten. It's not that he's thinking "there's no way I'm getting that", or "Can I? Can't I?'. He's already woken up for the day, therefore, he's believing that if you have a pulse and the V, you're a possibility for him to either easily hit, or at least attempt to. You gotta give it to them, guys are optimistic that way. No matter what reality is for the girl, he has his own universe that tells him "Nah bruh! Your good dude! High five! You got this man. How could she say no to you dude?" Considering there's no emotional investment, i could see how easy it would be to pursue, and pursue, and pursue, with your sargent general down their pointing out your course full speed ahead, and not feel a thing if she says no...or yes. I mean, there's other girls just begging to be harassed right? Sadly, that's right! Are girls that EASY? Truth moment? Yes. Not all girls are that easy. Some girls, in fact, are not easy at all. Some are so airtight and locked up that Open Sesame, a key and bail couldn't release anything they have to offer. But unfortunately, some just are that easy to score. And its those girls, who give those guys, hope. And if not hope, free access when the one he doesn't feel like working for starts to affect his oh so fragile ego. And the nerve of it all? He'll still do one chick, as she falls for him, and still adamently attempt to chase the tail of the girl who just won't give in as easily as the others. When he gets what he wants, he always gets more. Is it fair? No. But luckily, the smart ones avoid the melodrama. The Double-Standard Are girls not allowed to be obsessed with sex? And does that make her a loose girl if she is? Seriously. Ask yourself that question. Now if she's obsessed with sex but never has had any is she a tease? If she's obsessed and has had much, at her own bidding and discretion, is she a slut? What if A guy did these things? Are these roles even examined in depth when a guy is behind it all? These, I feel, are important questions to ask. Conclusion? Maybe I'm going absolutely nowhere with this whole discussion on the obsession with sex. But I guess my main question is: why on earth are guys so committed to getting some? Like...you would think It's a full time occupation. Granted, girls have needs to. Thats shouldn't be underestimated. But i guess when it comes to which gender has more self control, it shouldn't be a question that men have built this reputation in the media of being the reckless and careless ones when it comes to doing whatever it takes to get some...from almost anyone. Is it wrong to play on their desires? Or is giving in 10x more wrong then playing with their physical greed? Maybe there's no reason to in depthly question something that is meant to truly be as simple as elementary m I really don't know how to describe what has come over this lady. I mean, she has made many many many mistakes before. And i mean many. Hell, half of her mistakes attended my graduation. But this mistake, the one she's marinating in right now, this is just...painfully disasterous to watch. This man is a manipulator, and frankly one of the ugliest human beings I have ever seen in my life. Take that how you want to; I would be doing you a disservice if I lied. But most importantly, brother is CUH-RAY-ZEE! I really feel as if his obsession and instability is grounds for a straight jacket and oprah re-runs. I don't know man. I hate to dabble in the topic of "what is love, what isn't love" again (Lord knows) because frankly all of this love talk makes me want to puke. But if this is what has a beautiful woman who has lived nearly half her life making some of the most God awful decisions I have ever been a witness to, then we need a call to action to rid this world (and all naive middle-aged women) of this dreadful hex. All things start out innocently enough with conversation. It's never thought that simple friendship could result in a full blown relationship. Very few know that a relationship can lead to the slow demise of everything you are and once stood for. Ask the people on Snapped, First 48, Murder and Mystery, Sins and Secrets, Law and Order, the 6 o'clock news, etc. I mean, is there a class you can take to identify if the person you find romantic interest in is secretly a serial killer? Do you put that on your driver's license? And I give this woman mucho credito: first an abuser, then a cheater, now a fatal attraction type serial killer? That is skill. Three strikes swinging in the dating game, and now you need to sit your ass down. He is over here literally every day. He visits in sun, rain, sleet, hail, snow and tornado. And at first it was cute...until it wasn't. This man, this poor lost puppy, is here all the time, then calls the minute he leaves. And God forbid she doesn't answer her cell...because then he'll blow up the house phone; and it aint even our house! I only do that when I'm out in the hot sun at school, waiting for someone to come and pick my ass up in 10 minutes or less...not when I'm trying to talk to someone on the phone about absoulutely nothing at all. Are you that bored with your existence? That's not love or like! That's obsession! Epsecially when you aint gettin' any!!! Then dude throws hissy fits over everything. I swear it's like his panties are forever in a bind. Let me tell you something, relationships thrive on the quality, not the quantity, of contact. So despite the fact that he's blowing up her cell phone, house phone, driveway, window pane, job location and toilet bowl with all his conversation, if he's throwing bitch fits all the time, then it's just not worth it. I won't delve any farther into this, because the popo might blame me for knowing ahead of time that this man was a cook, but I will say that men who are ridiculously attached to women are just not attractive. Miss me, sure. Want to spend time with me, okay. Think about me often, cool. But fucking calling me before you stick the key in the ignition to drive off and away from my damn driveway!? Hells no! That's not okay! Don't ever invite yourself to be in someone's face and up in their space. If they want you there, they'll let you know... The worst part is when a female begins to fall prey to the delusions of the guy she is (with/not with/with...whatever the hell they are). It's never okay to stop thinking for yourself. But hey, sometimes it takes repeated failure to finally be able to find some sort of success... I can't really say I was "In love". To be honest, i don't even know what that really means. Do you ever find out? I mean...I thought I did love him...him....but now I'm not so sure I was even capable of feeling those emotions. If i'm being honest, I don't want to admit that I feel foolish at the end of it all. Me, of all people, ME; I fell for the whole girl in love crap that has nothing to do with who I am. And because I stepped so far outside of myself, I don't know who i'm more upset with: him or me. I keep thinking that I should have known better than to open up. But you never kick yourself in the middle of the sentimental bullshit. You never stomp on the breaks in the midst of your swooning to tell yourself that you need to protect your heart or else this dude right here is gonna take and shatter it into a million pieces. And why would you? Why would you say that to yourself? The flirting and falling is so much fun that only a pure pessimist would warn of the dangers before the excitement has even begun...before the end that we never seem to see coming has reared its ugly head.
I can say that I probably am still in "love" with him. I don't want to be, and God knows that the only thing that makes me capable of loving and "love" is the sole fact that I'm a human being. The sole irrefutable fact that I even own a heart is the only reason why I'm capable of hurting. Am I mad that out of all the people in this world, he would be the source of so much anguish? Hell yes. Am I bitter because of the joy he experiences? Yes. But I can't dwell in my feelings. He apologized for treating me like crap; he did. But I truly believe he did so to relieve himself of any guilt that he felt. And once he did that, the heavens opened up for him to talk and laugh with me as if nothing had ever happened. He is just like the guy from Christina Perri's song, Jar of Hearts. I used to wonder who he thought he was, "running around leaving scars/collecting those jar of hearts/tearing love apart". He's just...a boy. And for a boy, that's enough to reap all the fragments of trust and love and friendship that they leave in their wake. An apology wasn't enough for me though. In fact, with each and every kind word he said, the hate that I had suppressed for him boiled inside of my soul with such an intense heat that when it spewed from my heart I had no power over the manner in which it came across; and i didn't care to attempt to gain control. I was egging myself on, in this outer body experience, chanting and bellowing for 'Lena' to get her feelings across in the best way she needed to. Lord knows when or if he would listen again, so I wanted to say it with such intensity that he couldn't help but hear. I didn't want to scream. I was driven to a point where I was so immersed in pure pissation that I couldn't even yell...so I thought. If I had seen him I probably would have shot bullets out of my eyes just so I could pierce his claim to "innocence" the way he claimed mine. As far as I was concerned, he could take his "apology" and shove it up his ass, take a dingy out to sea, get lost in a typhoon, and get buried 20,000 feet below the earth. That's how little his apology affected me. It was for him to feel better. It wasn't for me to be released of all the baggage I suppressed and eventually became numb to. And what a shallow numbness it was. I hated him. Him. Someone I held so dear. I absolutely hated his existence to the point where I didn't even think about it anymore. I didn't know I would be capable of that. I didn't know he was capable of that. When you operate on a level of no rationale, i guess anyone is really capable of, well, anything. Even evil and hatred. Love can make you a lot of things. It can make you bitter. It can make you blind. It can build you up so high above reality that your head will spin and your knees will weaken at the contemplation of 'what was worse, the crash or the burn?' And it's crazy, because ask anyone and I haven't even begun to experience love yet; but does that mean that what I feel isn't real pain? Is it possible to feel real hurt, without feeling real love? To be held so high to be dropped so hard? And to think, my indecision was grounds for penalization! Breaking hearts just gets another tit to tat or another whore to score. Congrats. You must be proud of the person your on your way to be. Of the girls you stepped on to get to her. Her. But let me not be a hypocrite. I've always liked the saying, "It doesn't matter who you step on, as long as you're not coming back down". But that's why you should have kept your sorry ass apology, amor. The minute you descended from your perch of pitiful naivety and fake perfection, you lowered your guard and yourself into the lion's den; the pit of your own hell that will burn your ass up and spit you out with no remorse from the broken hearts you left there to rot. You made me one of them. You. Only you know how unforgivable that is...yet you try to act like it's fine because you'll never treat her the same. Save the sappy life lesson for when you do it to the wrong one, because I will never understand how you can properly love another, when you failed at loving the first the right way; the way you swore you loved no other and never could. Apparently your "first love" has taught you nothing about loving at all. The truth? I think it hurts so much because I still love you. Not deep down. On the surface still. And I don't want to love you because it's insane to love someone that can easily and repeatedlyy hurt you, and then smile about it. But I do. And I don't want to be because I'm not strong enough to never "fall back in your arms" again. After all, that's where my comfort last found a home. But, unfortunately, I do. And that love has settled upon the scars that cut so deep into the rusted faith I had in you and us. Now all that festers are the weeds of remorse and despair and regret. But I refuse to let a moment of love and loss pin me down from ever loving (or maybe really beginning to love) again. I'm young. Youth renews all. My heart has been "shattered" and "broken" by failed father figures and misled mentors. Yet, I'm here. I'm standing. Still strong, only stronger than when we began. I thank you for the hurt. Not because it has born a life lesson, but because I now know who you are and what you can become. If I have learned anything at all, it is not to regret love or any idea that you have had of it. Lust can lead to shame and other incurable things, but love? even in its most innocent form and misinterpretation can give birth to some of the most beautiful possibilities and interactions, no matter what the probability of them all turning to dust in our grasp. I'd never trade even a glimpse at love, because while I'm flying through the air on my emotional high, feeling like such a girl for crushing so much and being so vulnerable, It's enough...your enough...and the one after you and after him and after him....will be enough for me to erase the bruises and scars of the drop that may await. But there will always be a time for lust and passion, love and friendship, loss and mourning...and then renewel and recovery; before we do it all over again; until someone comes along and forces us not to. And it's because of people like him and the perpetual cycle that we learn to appreciate those people and learn what love is, and to never let them, or it, go. If I must hurt to love for real at least once in my life, then so be it. "To me, the greatest thing in the world is to love, and to be in love; But, it's also the most heart-wrenching pain you can ever feel, because when you love & lose, you feel as if you've lost your ability to ever love again." -lena N. 5/31/2012 @ someone inane hour in the middle of the night |
LenaaMy daily routine: get up, be amazing, go back to bed. I decided to share some of it with you. Your welcome. Archives
January 2014
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